'Bouncing' from One to Another.

After making my last post there were a couple good months between then and now but I've been employed very 'heavily'.  No, not heavy in that special way but still maintaining that grand overweightness.  And after long last I thought I might be reporting some comforting news about a suitor.  Terribly distressing that the person I feel the most kinship with so far had a few great conversations with me and is now officially brushing me off.  You know when that happens right?  You're browing online invisible because you might be trying to avoid one very strange guy who takes things to a whole new extreme level.  Then the person you see as a friend signs on.  You give it some time maybe a minute or two and appear online, no longer invisible.  Not even a full minute later your friend ducks out.  You're not sure if the last conversation you had with this friend went sour or if you said something that scared him off.  Whatever happened I'm sure glad to have people I can talk to.  If I never get to meet one of them in person it will be tough but I'll be ok.

Short post, but I must be off to work.  "Hi ho"

Skin Deep deep deep....

Probably my most favorite widely publicised man gaining weight as part of a personal experiment is definitely Paul James or "PJ" as he is known by his friends. The Australian hunk goes from about 170-08lbs or something (they go by kilos which I can't really measure off the top of my head) and gets massive over the course of a year. I have seen footage of his experiment in his documentary entitled "Fat and Back" where he at one point confesses to the camera that he 'can't live like this any more'. And I felt bad for him. I know that gainers in our world, those that enjoy this lifestyle, probably wouldn't feel ashamed of having a fit or slimmed physique but that's only because society has its norms that most classify with happiness. 'Fat and happy' is also a widely expressed term. It's the worlds fault for making PJ at such a vulerable stage in his experiment feel that shame and disgust with himself. All I wanted to do as an observer was give him a great big hug and tell him not to be upset, that he looks fine and nothing has to stay the same forever if he choses.

How do I feel sitting here still a great deal fat and happy with my body?

I look down at what I've been seeing for years. A round belly with billowy moobs resting gently on top rising and falling with each breath. I feel the softness, I see the expanse, I hear the occasional gurgle of air inside while my digestion does its daily thing. Maybe I'm just used to it, but I don't feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, there is extreme comfort to it, which has muscle studs like Paul James concerned (scared whitless). I only suppose that he feels this current state of fatness with last forever and that he wont ever see the body he was so in love with. Where would he get such an idea? Yes the food was great, it tasted good and made him hunger for more. But habbits can always be broken. He proved all that by dropping his beautiful weight. Good for him. But there are some who feel a bit paranoid even with such success. Will this last? Will he end up fat again without intending to be? Probably yes. A lot of people end up that way sooner or later. And whos to say it wouldn't have happened without his conscious decision? Point being this man was beautiful oustide/inside before, after and will be for life. If only the public didn't feel that beauty was only skin deep. It covers something deeper and more beautiful. Especially the fat.

Nothing But Fluff.

So it turns out that I haven't received a comment in about a year. That's fine, I don't exactly thrive on commentary, but to know that someone is reading and taking away something positive from my writing would be "fat'tastic". lol I think I had also mentioned in another post that it seemed interesting how I am unable to write about nothing more that fat or being fat or wanting to be fat(ter), the last being an extension of what I already am. But what else can I do if I had tried so many times to branch out. Thanks to years and years of being a lazy butt and watching myself become that which fascinated me most, I can truly talk about something from first hand knowledge and experience. Isn't that the best way to go about writing a blog?

 

 

Lately I've been having these purely 'entertaining' dreams where I am usually the star. There "we" are sitting around a bath house covered in white tile. A labrynth of white chambers with white hallways winding endlessly into new rooms filled with new people I never saw before. All of them men, I feast my eyes in a fantastical sight of other guys like myself simply lazing around and growing fatter in various degrees of growth. Some of them are hairy, others are smooth, some bronzed and some fair skinned with every natural hair color. As I pause here I come to realize that I'm probably a true slut if my options are so open and varied. Eventually in these dreams I find myself in a room with maybe one other person and he's usually fit. He takes me in close and we start to kiss and fondle exploring something new and wonderful about each other. With each caress and he finds a soft mound of fat around my leg focussing hungrily on its shape and curve with his long able fingers. I wonder with my rather chubby hands around the distinguishing shape of his midsection. Tufts of his hair whirring between my fingers by their stroking.

 

 

What a moment so long, nearly eternal in its bliss, I thought it was all real for an instant. Then of course I would begin my own growing transformation, starting with the expanse of my stomach. My personal onlooker gazing with a blush to his cheeks and a reaching erection smiles close at my side while his eyes whitness the magical fattening nearly inches from my center of gravity. On occasion the role of gainer would change from him to me or both of us at the same time but it would always end before one of us bursts. I wake up nearly sweating and pounding my heart out.

Wow I have issues. lol

Curve Ball.

Sometimes I wonder why I leave for so long and seem so surpised that no one is posting. Perhaps you have all moved to twitter and tumblr, but I'm staying true to the original. We've all got some things tossed into our lives that have affected the present since I last spoke with you. For me there have been significant changes. First thing to happen since October was that I've moved into a more private residence where I'm more free to walk around in the nude, or more so than where I came from. Second thing is the saddest part, I've lost some weight.

*listening for the groans and complaints as others turn away fromt the computer grabbing chips and yelling at their screens with a mouthfull muffling, "that'll never happen to me"*

I've always had pride in how well I managed to keep everything up. My finances, my self esteem, my weight. And after a long streak of yo yoing from 310 to 270 back up to 307 after meeting my gainer/encourager friend by chance during my last job to today where I sit before you down to 280 again. I feel that if things didn't go very well careerwise I'd be enormous right now. But the truth is, things have improved in that department. I've got the job I've always wanted and while it may not be permanent, it is the paving of a new life for me; step number one. Without this job I would be lumbering about at 308lbs with low confidence and trying to fill the void with McDonalds ballooning finally to the weight I'd long desired for myself, 350lbs. In that life, suddenly, things would change for the dramatically better and severely hotter. Encouragers would for the first time actually enjoy my company to get a chance at stroking my protruding belly. They would see me as the end result of their fantasy and constantly inquire of my journey to jowels, my progress to paunch, my crescendo to corpulence and I would tease them with payment of one pastry per minute on the subject.

But sadly this may be a very dim shadow of things that may or may not come to be. Only an erotic fantasy of my own that no one else shares for me. That is another sobering fact that I feel should be brought to light. Another wonderful man has come and gone from my life. Though eagerly desired, from the opposite ends of the planet as fate ordained, he found another to love who can give the warmth and love I was so willing and wanting and waiting to give. Another blessed love has left a hole in my heart. So while they enjoy a great deal of time together I'm left on a very slow search. There is nothing I regret more than chosing my career over love. Which should be so obvious a downfall considering the many t.v. dramas I've encountered on my couch potato cavalcade with the rest of my lazy peers. I must accept what life has dealt me and move to the next adventure. There is really no downside any more. So hopefully when I write to you soon it will be with great news and a full stomach bouncing back into action. And perhaps give some of those big guys on grommr.com a real run for their money.

Tomb Service!

Welcome foolish mortals. And Happy All Hallows Eve! Though it has been such a long time since posting, I don't think I can rightfully fill in this installment with so much detail of what's happened since. I will try my best. I have secured a new job working at Disney and it is wonderful. It was my dream job location right from the start and I've managed to pay rent every single month which was originally my biggest concern. Unfortunately money has been soooo tight I don't eat at all anymore. I really miss my food terribly so and dream about feasts in my sleep. I don't know which I would rather have, the job I dreamed about or the weight I'd dreamed about. Why couldn't I have both?? Yesterday when I stepped on to the once very dusty scales from lack of use I allowed the digital numbers to fetch me a new number for my weight. I peered down over the portion of my belly that was still round and bowed out above the wobbling overhang and saw that I had lost 20lbs since starting my job here in August. My work clothes have dropped nearly 3 sizes each piece and I must say I feel I look snazzy in them. Would I still enjoy being fat in my costume, you bet I would and have the sneaking suspicion that one of my handsome coworkers would find me even more attractive and validated in his suspicions of me and my size. We have talked and joked before (not about weight) but he has given me a few pokes to the stomach and smiled widely. He's an odd ball but devilishly cute. This time however I know exactly what he likes...based on what I've heard from an old acquaintance of mine who encountered this guy for a feeding at which my coworker was quite skilled and accomplished at. You may remember me telling you about this not long ago how a close friend of mine at my most recent job location turned out to be an encourager/gainer/feeder who showed up on my doorstep at 1 o'clock in the morning to confess this? For certain, this guy who has been poking my stomach and giggling at me is no doubt a member of our community whether active or not I get a bit tingly thinking about how to tell him. Or should I even bother? I'm wasting away to nothing though still at a healthfully fat 280lbs, I doubt that feedings will take care of my problem. Where will the food come from??? How often can we meet with his full time schedule and Disney always changing out start times less than 24 hours before? I am a mess of confusion and no doubt there is more to come in this saga of "WTF". I hope some reader out there can wish me the best of luck as I try to decide where to go with my life from this point on. Will continue to post no need to worry (if any of you still care to read).

(Fat)asies come true!

Hello my beloved readers. Glad to be back. So much has happened in the past month 1/2 since my last posting. Only a few more minutes until I must trudge back to work for another measly six hours, but not so bad really. Sorry it's been so long since I've writte. Many things have happened, almost relationship, meetings with fellow gainers/encouragers, etc. You know the drill. And a most interesting an remarkable thing happened to me last month, which I shall divulge to you my friends.

Since starting at my current job, I've been having great difficulty coping with the tasks, and getting along with coworkers and guests that come to the parks. After working for 4 months I made one or two decent friends. They seemed to tollorate my company and I was happy to be included every now and again. One friend in particular was a real gem. He was certainly a cutie and of course there was no doubt from anyone especially in himself, but he wasn't vain or self centered. We would hang out a couple times and talk about different things like our jobs and boys. (Yes, he is gay as am I). Most often we would meet by the pool and share a bit of down time before clocking in. I swore I caught him staring at me but thought nothing of it. He was such a nice guy, although in a relationship, I didn't mind that sort of harmless flirthing. It was on a ride home one night that he asked if I had an account with Biggercity.com to which I shamelessly answered, yes. Turns out he also had an account there and fancied himself a chaser. I felt a bit more comfortable around him then on. He went to the pool a couple times more and I knew for sure this time when I pretended to close my eyes that his own eyes wandered about my midsection and namely my belly puffed out and proud. I decided on wearing shirts that were slightly more snug than usual partly because I was carrying a lot of water weight and my clothes felt smaller than normal, but also becase I knew this special friend would get a kick out of it. Low and behold, one night he sends me a text asking if he could come over to my apartment. I invited him in once he showed up just a few minutes later almost trembling. I just finished cleaning my apartment and stood there in my tightest shorts and shirt from my kitchen as he sort of glared at me. Uneasily I asked if everything was allright. To my near embarrassment he asked me about my account on grommr.com which is a new gainer/encourager site. I was nearly floored! How the heck did he know?! My friend smiled a big smile and told me that there was nothing to worry about because he was the same as me. An encourager with an eye for other growing guys. We talked and talked hours and hours into the night until the sun came up about gaining and other gainers and about our history and where we believe it all started. He had never really met a real gainer before even though I'd met a few and he admitted to me that all he really wanted was a chance to give a belly rub to someone who would genuinely enjoy the sensation. I allowed it. And it was amazing. Sadly he has moved away to be with his boyfriend, which I totally and completely understand. It just wasn't good timing and he ended up with someone before we had a chance to meet. Otherwise, who knows? Hopefully meet again someday.

Sadly the guy I thought would be my special someone and talked about in my last post failed to meet me again. We don't talk anymore but I still cherish the wonderful moments we shared alone, our eyes closed, our lips touching. Too bad something so good can't last but that's life. And I'm so enjoying what I have now, which is a nice private place to live and plenty of food for my growing belly.

He Likes 'Em Big.

Moving on to the next man. :) lol

My gainer friend is great and I think he's a nice guy, but he's got a guy of his own. I finally met someone and I think he might be my first boy friend. You cannot believe the goosebumps I have right now just saying that. He and I have gone on two dates. Once just a walk downtown and then once at my apartment for a movie and some serious cuddling. There is nothing like the feeling you get when a guy you really like sits right down next to you and touches his leg, his hip to yours and knowing he enjoys the sensation. He had kissing on his mind and it was on mine too. We finally shared a date that the both of us had hoped for. Four straight hours we held hands and I rested my head on his shoulder. We stopped every two minutes it seemed just kissing and kissing. There was a point here it got soooo heated he began to straddle me with my belly between his legs an loomed over me with his soft lips inching closer to my cheeks. Each tender kiss was coupled with a gentle massage of my moob or belly and his other hand would be there rubbing my neck.

I swear it was beautiful.

We then cooled down a bit and just sat counting the minutes until I had to pick up and leave. But he and I seemed to mutually share a feeling. Neither of us wanted to leave and we both eagerly await to see each other again.

It's moments like that that make me happy and proud that I put on all of this weight and became as big as I am today. There are guys out there who love guys like us, guys who are heavy and big. There's absolutely no shame and there should be no doubt about our own attractiveness. My newest friend helped me realize this. So my advice to you guys doubting yourselves and over critisizing your bodies and picking at the little quirks or 'non appealing features' and just stand proud. They may well be the things that your guy will go for and love about you. So take the extra slice of cake and down it with the remaining milk in your fridge. There will be more of you to love. ;)

Fatties of a Feather.

Do you remember the encounter I mentioned in my last posting? We had another encounter this past weekend and I can surely say it was plenty of fun. I admit that there were somethings I probably wasn't ready for but he was a sweetheart and always asked me how I felt. The day started with a trip to a chinese buffet and both of us put away a fair amount of food. The two of us and our bloated bellies drove to pick up a redbox and then to the beach for some sun and a nice casual chat. We took off our shirts and gave the fat some cooking time. Goodness knows I needed some color. It wasn't a conversation about gaining for the most part, but we talked a bit about where it began for us and how far we were planning to get with our weight. I'm sure he's planning to reach my currently number and match me in size, which thrilled me to hear about. I caught him stealing small glances as my stomach and chest, but I was a bit too shy to have a look at him myself while he was right there next to me although I had my share. He was so cute and his body was so hot. When I gave him a nice long belly rub, the small tuft of hair on his stomach and chest gave me goosebumps. Needless to say all of that belly rubbing between the two of us gave way to something more. We were lounging in his bed rubbing when suddenly he turned himself closer to me and started cuddling with me. I did too. And soon we were rubbing more than bellies. Moobs, arms, legs, necks, etc. It was fun, but we didn't go further than that even though both of us wanted to. All the while I discovered how ticklish I was, so I felt bad by how twitchy I was, but I think he enjoyed watching my fat bobble all over while his hands were grazing my love handles and chest.

I'm posting this because it's a way of thanking him for the fun we had together and how much I appreciated him helping me come out of my shell. Hopefully we remain friends and see each other once in a while at least. I wish him well, and if he's reading this I hope he doesn't take offense. It was a great experience and I just had to share with my reader friends.

A Belly Poke To Remember.

Greetings fellow fat followers. Tonight was a special night. Special as in I did something kinda not nice but at the same time fell completely fine about it later. Nothing too harsh, I actually ditched a group of friends to meet a fellow gainer/encourager tonight and it was actually a ton of fun. :) He has a little ways to go 'alteast from what he tells me' and I understand what he means, but honestly the guy looks great no matter what, although I do prefer his look now compared to how thin he was a couple years ago. It started out fairly random and kinda awkward because he never really came into the bar where me and my friends where to introduce himself but I understood. It would be very odd trying to explain how exactly he and I met or our reasons for meeting. He has a boyfriend, so I'm not sure 100% what this friendship will entail but so far it seems he's a great guy and I would definitely like to chat with him anytime I can. After we finished our dinner, he lifted a bit of his shirt and rubbed his little tummy and as we were pulling out he commented on how nice mine looked after the meal and gave me a little poke on the belly. I absolutely loved it. Looking forward to a potential full rubbing. He ended the meeting with a nice hug which I thought was so sweet and I'm totally sad he's taken. But I think I can still settle with friendship even as time passes. Perhaps we will both grow as a result of this friendship.

Big Fat Whoop.

So here I am in sunny humid Orlando where the cute gay men are plentiful and the beach bekens. I'm currently participating in an internship program down here and if things turn out well, I may move here permanantly with a part time job at Universal or Disney (depending on which has more hours). Besides all of the beautiful guys out here few (if not any of them) seem interested. And why would they? I'm a fatso. lol

There's nothing wrong with being my size. I've know that for a looooong time. The only issue is trying to find someone willing to meet with me and is fully interesting in 'all' of me. I roomed with a nice gay guy two weeks ago and he ended up moving out on me two days ago. So without regret I sent him on his way, because it was only after we met that I realized he was expecting a much much thinner and less fat version of me. I shared an older picture of me when we first had a chat online and he seemed very interested. I mentioned that I didn't have any more recent pictures because I'd put on a lot of weight recently. He said 'Hun, don't worry. I love the person inside most. The rest doesn't matter at all.' So I believed him. But once I came up behind him in the hotel pool area and gave him a little bear hug, he turned around and saw my big belly right there in his face and all at once lost the eager grin on his face. I stood slightly embarrassed for a second, but then he stood and gave me a little hug back. He locked his wrists between where my chest fat creased into the fat of my love handles. He said, "Ooooo I kinda like this" as he slightly jiggled the surrounding fat and I felt a nice slow ripple go through me. "Youre like a teddy bear."

I then felt warm inside. A man was holding me and seemed to like it. I thought we would share beautiful evenings together on the couch with him lying on top of me both watching our favorite movie. I thought I would have my first kiss then, but it was sadly never to be. He found a 'girl friend' and he never spoke to me after. Apparently he never mentioned that he was bi. But I strangely don't feel sadness from it. I felt free. I had broken the ice and I feel that I might be more ambitious in meeting the next guy.

(Look at me talking about the next guy. Sounds like I'm on 'Sex and the City'.)

If anyone in Orlando would like to possibly go to a buffet with me and keep myself or ourselves ample. Please let me know via email which should be posted on my profile. If that doesn't work leave me a comment and I'll be sure to fix it. As for my current weight I've managed to put on a good 3lbs since I arrived which surprised me greatly. So here I sit on my 303lb butt waiting for Mr. Right as always. Not much of an improvement I know, but hey... Improvement is improvement.

'A-round' Town.

I'm back.

I was noticing that other bloggs haven't been updated very often so I decided I'd give some readers a new post to look at.

I have been through a very interesting and some would say depressing year. There's just too much to talk about in this post, but I'm sure I'll find a way. You know how long they can be. So I guess the only issue is where to begin. When I last left off, there was talk of me losing all the weight and dropping to a svlet size suitable for a snazzy suit at work. Don't worry, that never got off the ground. I'm still quite fat. Maybe a few pounds thinner but I still basically have the gut and thighs I did before. Really it's only a 6 pound difference.

This morning I weighed myself at 297lbs and didn't feel to upset about seeing it. At one point a month or two months ago, I swear I was bound to hit 310lbs soon, but then the money well ran out. I've been saving more and as a result, it meant letting a couple pounds slip away from me. Partially I was hoping on getting some help through a local encourager. He's been chatting with me a couple times lately offering to help pay for some big meals and in return he just wants to be there to see me grow and maybe the occasional belly rub. Lately he hasn't been answering my messages, so I think that might be over with, but if he offers again someday I still wouldn't mind meeting him.

I've been off and on with a very very very special guy who is an encourager from CA. Even though we agreed to keep our relationship open until we actually meet someday, he's managed to find more guys than I've ever met in my life. But I had something of an actual date recently that didn't go very long. lol And he managed to place his hand on my leg a couple times reasuringly, though I'm pretty sure it wasn't an invitation to mess around. But I still love this guy, and a part of me always will.

I may update this post later.

Blubber Blogger.

Thank you once again, my valued readers, for subscribing to this blog. You have no idea how appreciative I am for having the occasional comment and I hope to continue hearing from you all. According to the Feed Tracker located on the right side of the home page, I get quite a lot of visits from different parts of the globe. At the very bottom is a 'web hit' counter that tells me how many people visit while I'm away. The only trouble with that is every time I visit my own to edit and then return to my home page it will count how many times I've been there (thus throwing everything off). Not sure how many of those visits were mine, but thankfully I've noticed that 200 or so have come and gone since my last posting. So thank you for stopping in to read.

I understand that to those of you who came across my blog might find it a little strange. What is this guy doing posting stuff about getting fatter, eating like a pig, and gloating about each pound as though it meant another $1000 in his bank account. (I'm not getting paid to write nor to eat, although.....I certainly wouldn't mind.) Eating the way I do or any of us gainers do is very expensive. But there are times when we substitute a simple reward such as a new DVD or a sweet new Wii game after a hard days work for an ample, sumptuous feast at your favorite restaurant. The benefit of which you can carry with you wherever you go. You only need to look down at yourself and physically see all that tasty grub you've been putting away for weeks/months/years. Why do I feel so proud of it? Because it's probably one of the few goals I've accomplished thus far in my life. Maybe that's not such a great way of putting it, but I do have other probably more realistic goals and long way to go to achieve them.

If you still don't understand, I apologize, I'm not the best at explaining this kind of thing. But I'm sure it's time that I made an attempt.

Why change anything? Why get those implants or pump that iron? Why starve yourself into that dress or cut out a certain favorite soft drink so your teeth wont stain? And lastly, why do you need a couple extra pounds? It's all for yourself. Obviously, there are those who do it to land a man or woman. There are men who go crazy for large breasts, and other men that appeal to another prominent piece of anatomy in his own sex. There are guys who go for larger women and there are those who go for larger men, HALLELUJAH! So there's hope for me yet.

I have been reading a very fascinating blog called GAINING PERSPECTIVE that seems to really put into better word the whole truth on what it means to be a gainer. I've actually come to feel more comfortable about my kink because of the blog's creator SFBaydude02. Thank you.

Does all this mean I'm ready to come out about this to everyone I meet? No. The nature of being a gainer is that we tend to want the more exclusive lifestyle, or at least I do. Most of us don't care if we end up cut from the general populous for a while, chilling in a small apartment with the man who will exacerbate our fat fetish until we're properly plumped. We tend to enjoy being on the town with our encouragers, secretly showing off what a fine job he's done with us on our way to the buffet. In front of perfect strangers, this is gainer heaven. But there's another side to what this lifestyle means for us. Some have the immense courage to grow with friends and family nearby and most of us have no choice. They take one look at us, realize the changes we're going through, and most of the time they worry about our health. This can put a damper on our gains. How can some of us not feel just a little bit guilty as a result of this? We don't want to disappoint those dearest to us, and thus we are left with an internal struggle. I need to please those around me by bending to their will and not my own but I really want the body I have now. That's way a lot of gainers tend to lose and gain off and on because they would prefer not to have the general conflict of it all.

I have experienced most of what I've mentioned above. I currently stand proud of the body I'd always dreamed about having, but the family has great expectations about me loosing the weight to make them feel more at ease. Every time I've been feeling ill somehow they link the whole thing to my obesity. But I feel that it's 100% manageable at this stage. And who knows what I'm capable of obtaining with the help of an encourager. All one needs to do, is accept that things are happening for the best whether it be slimming down for a while or growing to massive proportions. It's all about making yourself happy.

I hope that this made some sense to you. I have trouble with rambling.

Crushed.

Need I say more? Mr. Right, where are you?

The Diet Died.

Many a week ago, I thought I'd try the diet thing again but today I sit upon my wide butt reporting that nothing has changed. In fact I may be larger now. That sort of thing happens when one decides to cut back on eating.

It's weird how my cravings have changed. I was always sort of picky with my dinner selections at my favorite restaurant and would often leave out a certain vegetable or opt not to get the salad/soup. Lately I've been chowing down on the whole thing, every scrap. Sure some of you might say that the lettuce or other healthy green is just filler and makes you feel too full before consuming every scrumptious calorie, but nothing seems to fill me now.

Also, the acid troubles seem to be prevailing. I was tossing and turning in bed most of last night after a large dinner followed by a large dessert. Ever have acid so bad you get this burning at the top of your skull? Basically that's what happened to me. But on a lighter note I soon found myself hungering for a midnight snack, so I guess even when struck by illness my appetite perseveres. I've gained 5lbs since my last post, putting me at 305lbs overall. On a massively full stomach I would weigh nearly 307 which was close to the heaviest I'd ever been. Part of me wants nothing more than to see that grand number on the scale again, but I feel torn. After all I did want to go on this diet for a reason. Maybe I'm not fated to be thinner. I've bred my body to resist skinniness of any degree after the years of eating and eating resisting the crippling fullness.

Short post, yes. But I'm off to get some pizza.

300lbs.

Yes, it's true. After a couple months back home from Florida, and losing weight during that time, I've bounced back. I've regained it all and sit here now a nice round 300lbs. Not much else to say about that really. At first I would pretend that it wasn't intentional and that this whole thing was a pleasant coincidence. But after all the binge eating and trips to the drive-through I realize how intentional it was. I remember the day when I decided I might gain it back, and going back and forth from that to the present, I'm really liking the difference. However, I'm here to bring you readers some possibly dissapointing news. I have officially decided to lose the weight for now. I just recently found out that may actually get my dream job. Any one might say that they'd do anything to hook their dream job or do anything to fulfill their dreams. That's the case here. Details aside, I mostly would like to look good in the uniform. lol. I know it's a pretty vain reason, but still, you're only young once and I would like to try all of my options out before they litterally dissolve before my eyes.

Youth is fading. I can see tell tale signs that I'm getting older, even at my young age. By losing a few pounds I can recapture some of it. I want to feel revitalized and able to do absolutely anything, and let's face it there's a lot of limitations that come with growing as big as we gainers do. Don't judge me harshly by my decision. There's a path that we can shape ourselves and a path that won't alow us to turn around. I feel like I'm on the right path with this and I can do anything while I'm on it. I'll still be writing and posting some pics along the way (mostly side by side comparison stuff.) I don't want you all to think that I've completely changed my mind about the whole idea of gaining. I think you can shape your body however you like it. Bodybuilders, models, actors, etc. altar their appearaces all the time and often take it to an unhealthy degree. I would only like to shed a bit to make me light enough to dance and look svelt in my snazzy uniform. This again is only temporary. I will be a blimp one day, of that I'm sure.

Worth the Weight.

Hello again. Today is the day after Easter and now there is only a handful of holidays to serve me until the BBQs and birthday cake of July 4th. My birthday is actually the day before, but I digress. I would like to say that though I never seem to post regularly I assure you (the reader/whoever you are) that I likely will never abandon my blog. I have recently taken on a job at a craft store and earn a meager minimum wage check which is almost enough to support my newly developed eating habits and other pleasant hobbies. There is not a day where I don't think about my newest projects. As an artist, especially one working at a craft store as of late, I find several different things lining the shelves I could use in a new painting, sculpture, accessory, etc. Since I'm trying to save up for a trip to Florida this fall I will find it painfully difficult without selling some of my things. My precious things. What I own, I love because I care about what I have worked hard to obtain.

I'm here to announce today that I have gained at least 20 of the lost 40-50lbs and it looks like things have finally 'stuck' to me. The weight that fluctuated so much seems to have settled with more bulk leaving a nice shelf (a 'save point' if you will) to put more on with ease. I had such mixed feelings before about how I felt with my body becoming familiar again. I was faaar more comfortable with the way I looked 'face wise' as a thinner guy than I do now. For some reason I can't get over the issue of face fat. I apologize. I'm so vein.

So what have I been doing about my weight nowadays? I've been wearing it proudly. The same shift of the good ol' dome sitting squarely over my belt appeals to me greatly as it did before it seemed I lost if for good. In fact I think that every thing torso-wise has puffed out a great deal more than I was even at my heaviest. My legs are taking a bit longer to 'bounce' back considering I use them for work and have developed a lot of good tone working for Disney. I am about to pop the 300lb cherry again which should appeal to you. I have neutral feelings about this. Only because I'm working early on my Halloween costume would I really like not to out grow it before October. Even if it would fit my character well, I still would rather save it for later. There are sooo many people I spoke with on GG and BC and BF who tell me to keep going and going and going. Yes, I want to but at my own pace, slow and soft. It would be incredible waking up with Mr. Right to morning belly rubs and other kinds of rubs for the both of us.

I can't stop eating.

I eat and eat daily the most bizarre combinations of foods I've heard of. Basically it's been anything I can get my fat mitts on around the house. Something else to confess, as a result of my diet I'm also frequenting a certain personal practice. What's wrong with me? My friends from Florida won't ever recognize me again. They don't really know me as the roly-poly I'm turning into and I don't want things to be awkward around them, but it likely will. Why can't I just make up my mind about the world I would rather be in? While I ponder I guess I'll just have to get used to being bigger. And maybe in time my mind will mellow out. I wish I could explain to my friends about this but I won't burden them with the discomforting images past, present, and future. I guess contact with someone like me is more of something I need for now. I just hope that they won't shut me away or think that I've shut them away either.

Please comment. Let me know you're there.

Big Fat Heartache.

Greetings to those of you just starting to read my blog. In the predictable fashion I've been appearing rather infrequently to update. Thus far, my new year's resolution has yet to be accomplished (to update more frequently). Considering that there are those in the gainer blog community who find themselves busier than the average bear, I seem to be keeping up rather nicely by comparison. I don't intend to post a daily revue of my boring existence without a job or much of a social life, I care too much for my readers to put you through, "today.....nothing.....happened.....". As I sit here today, the bright sun is illuminating the fresh snow on the ground. Light is cascading through the windows so brightly that even with shutters most of it just can't be blocked out. I may need to fetch a pair of sunglasses. Apparently folks with blue eyes are more sensitive to the light, and I am one of those people. I wonder if other blue eyes out there feel the same too.

New developments? I'm still searching for a job, but I feel that I am getting close. I've tried a few of my favorite spots where I would be amply comfortable enough to show up day after day. But alas, they have all 'recently filled their remaining positions'. It really makes me mad that they don't just say 'we are currently not accepting applicants'. Instead they make me feel like I've just missed my golden opportunity (dashing my hopes) and if I had gone in the day before, things might've turned out differently. Come Halloween, I know of one place that cannot possibly refuse my application based on the exceptional service I put forth. I pushed myself so hard to achieve repeat business, trying to impress the customers and my managers. And when I was almost officially given a solid year-round position, I received a notice of termination. Got laid off. Thanks to these hard times we're living in, I've been forced from job to job because they couldn't afford to keep me. My hope is to find a job where my art skills can be applied in everyday tasks.

Aside from the trouble of job hunting, I am experiencing a fluctuation in my weight. When I returned home I weighed 270lbs. with a stomach measuring 53" around. I had surprisingly retained quite a bit after working my last job. A total of 40lbs. was lost and I could definitely see the difference. But since I've been back home, I made another attempt to regain my losses and ate around like no tomorrow. I had received some words of confidence from several online encouragers and fellow gainers/maintainers and it seemed like all was going well. With the help of my new scale I was able to track the progress of my weight gain to end up seeing results that were too good to be true. In about two weeks of binge eating I'd managed to gain 20lbs and almost 3 1/2 inches on my waist. I would surely see 300lbs again in no time. But unfortunately, I dropped ten in a couple days following the weigh-in. So now I sit at 280lbs. As my body experienced this interesting transformation, I immediately shared it with one special encourager/gainer whom I thought would only grow closer to me. We haven't been able to chat for a while (as we had often been doing). I recently sent him a message apologizing for my absence and told him that I was working very hard to achieve our desired goal and to respond if we were still buddies.... still no answer. I believe it's over before a fruitful fattening venture could began with this guy. That is why I'm experiencing a big fat heartache today. Would love to hear from you all out there reading this. It feels like a lot of eyes are on me right now (just a good feeling, nothing I'm paranoid about). Any comments you may have in any way you choose to post them, please send me something to know you're here. Say whatever you like. I can't wait to hear from you.

Eat Up, Chow Down.

Greetings reader friends of the gaining community. It feels like I'm introducing myself all over again. It's been over a month I'll admit but I seriously have been busy with work, which is finally over in two days! I'm so excited. I'm so ready to be eating normal food and hit all the favorite drive throughs etc. Even as I type I feel starved. I'm sitting on my bed right now lying on my side shirtless in my boxers, with "Law & Order" playing a bit loudy on the t.v. Roommate in the living room talking with his girlfriend. The door has a lock so I feel like my room is completely my own and I can do what I please in total privacy. Had a terrible roommate living in the same room with me but he moved out. (Long exhausting story.) As I'm lying on my side I'm looking down at my body and I'm seeing a big deflaited midsection. When I used to lie on my back a few months ago I would look down over my chest to see a bobbling bowing fleshy belly lightly garnished with thin strands of dark hair. Then I liked to sit up and view the impressive span of my thighs and love handles as I fondled the expance of tissue around my middle. Then the probing of the navel, the shaking, the glooping would begin (good times). I was really into my body. Not a day went by where I wasn't entertained by the all the weight I had gained.

Now I must dispense some bad news. Well not bad but sort of disappointing. That scale I've been checking every day for months has a surpising read lately. It says 279....I couldn't believe it. Nearly 40 pounds lost. My body has become a bit leaner (especially my legs) since I've been here working in Florida. I no longer feel like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Remembering how I was before, a blooming 320lb. fattie now slowly losing what I've accomplished, it all seems like a pleasant dream. I'm trying to remember how much my gut filled my hands as I played with my fat. I struggle to recall how heavy and full my 'rack' was. My swollen hands, my chubby cheeks, everything feels like a very distant memory. I know it seems like I'm making a big deal about this. Trust me, that last 40 pounds was so difficult and took so long to gain but the results were amazingly and hugely noticable. All of it went directly my girth. I do remember applying the measuring tape to my swolen gut every morning and night to see inch after inch creep up on me. Never had a scale but the size was gratifying enough. Gosh it was blissfully hefty. The bobble under my shirt was euphoric as I waddled to the kitchen for a late night stuffing, especially the midnight drive to Mc D's with every bump on the road sending shock waves up my body. This is where I would pause and take a 'moment' to myself but I'll wrap it up for you first.

Aside from the fact that I've been eating some pretty fattening foods during my stay I still managed to lose nearly 45 pounds. I believe the culprit could be the increase in exercise and the lack of 3-8 square meals a day. *Duh* I realize that. But apparently like so many people have told me. The weight likes to pile back on when you fall into your normal routine and it especially likes to show up with 'company'. We shall see. If I can gain in all back in a short amount of time, I will definitely document all I can. Pictures, more blog posts, and even vids. Who knows? I don't think I'd be apposed to making personal appearances. lol. Just kidding, but I'm sure the guy for me is out there. No, haven't found him yet. Met a fellow gainer recently but I did a lot of talking so I think I scared him off. He was a cutie though, loved the deep voice. He was tall, had wavy hair and a little beard (cute), very broad shoulders, puppy eyes, and 'from what I could tell under his baggy clothes' a very large belly (how I would've loved to explore it). What a dummy I am. But it was our first time out and I didn't want things going too fast. We went to a local spot and both ordered the biggest friggin' thing we could find on the menu and talked about gaining, etc. It was beyond hot but I didn't want to admit anything. We text occasionally now. I rarely get a response, but part of me really hopes that I get to see him again. That is the culmination of my interesting experience newly independant and away from home. More to follow.

Off to lunch....a lot of lunch.

Dream Big.

Well, it has been a long time since I've updated my blog. I can't believe how busy I've been these past few months. The change in seasons is very slow, but I can feel it getting much cooler outside which is good. I'm not a big fan of the heat. Disney has been an everchanging experience. Each work day actually continues to keep me somewhat entertained. We all grow a bit tired of routine, but thankfully I haven't felt that to a strong degree. My roommate has been decorating his side of the apartment for christmas after taking down his Halloween stuff. Oh! Halloween was a blast. Partied at the haunted mansion, ate plenty of good food, and capped it off with some drinks at the bar with my good friends. I feel blessed to have these wonderful people to talk to. Apart from the sweeter things there are also the sour. When I'm not working, I am very much alone. My roommates don't really pay much attention to anyone but themselves, and I'm okay with that to a degree. It means I can have more privacy.

I bought a scale a few weeks ago and I've been keeping track of my weight. (Yes I'm sure you were anxious to hear som news about that). Well the last time I weighed my self I was 291, a full 20lbs lighter than when I started this internship. Am I saddened by my smaller than usual size? No. But I'm not happy either. I continue to watch other gainers progressing and threatening to pass me by on the scales. I have a hint of jealousy. But I look at them as inspiration. Wanna give a shoutout to Stuffmebloated for all his accomplishments. Glad to see he's doing well.

Off to lunch.

Update (Part 4).

295 lbs. That's what I weighed on an empty stomach. So I believe that damage was a bit worse than I thought. Apparently I lost 17 close to 20lbs. Wow, not bad for 2 months.

Gaining lost weight is infamous for being almost too easy. Everyday I read weight gaining blogs and fantasize about the size I will be after this program is over. Will I end up weighing much more than where I started or the same? Have to go for now. ttyl.