Lonely.

So I got up and have been looking on the computer for guys in my area to chat with, but no one is online.  Even these blogs I've been following and bloggers that are following me aren't posting anything new.  I feel so alone right now.  I used to get one or two comments on my blog entries that would give me some reassurance and keep me gaining so I stay pleasantly plump.  No one to share with, no one to chat with.  I almost feel stupid for writing these blogs.  Almost.  Sometimes I think it helps me keep my sanity (if I ever had a shred to begin with.)  After hours on the net I realized how lonely I really was and also how my crush is not going anywhere.  *Sigh* 

Yesterday.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, another hopeless day for me finding that special someone.  I'm fat and unattractive for the most part (however, I've 'grown' to accept that.)  It's in the eye of the beholder.  This I know.  Just feeling a bit down today so forgive me.  Been snacking on pink frosted cupcakes, chocolate hearts, and tons of leftover food from last night.  Eating when uncomfortable, the gainer's best friend.  So worry not, I won't stress myself to the point of losing inches.  It's quite the opposite considering I can practically hear the sound of my shorts ripping wide open (eats another hershy's kiss *pop*). 

Sundays.  I'm filled with dread on Sundays.  Not entirely sure why.  Maybe it's because this is a day for going to church which I have become less accustomed to do.  Often I feel more a sense of guilt.  It's the fact that I'm living in such sin.  The biggest mortal sins I can think of.  Vanity, Sloth, Lust, and Gluttony.  My live-in-the-now philosophy is not working out well partially because it makes me look selfish and lazy.  Naturally that means I'm not enjoying myself very much.  

Update.

I've never been able to do an update since last summer when the gaining all started.  But irony of irony's while I was starting to think of losing weight I ended up gaining quite a few pounds.  It was last night when I got up from this computer to shower, I noticed when I stood up that my stomach wobbled more than usual. I lifted my shirt and saw a hefty ball drop and bounce right in front of me.  Then I noticed my chest was much bigger.  All the weight is carried mostly in my stomach, chest, and back.  So I decided to measure myself.  My belly measured a perfect 57" around.  That's been my goal as far as size is concerned.  So I must weigh in the 300-320 neighborhood.  My goal is reached.

Doubts.

I've been gaining for a while now and I realized that I would be sacrificing a lot just by looking fat.  As most of you gainers are aware of, even if we accept each other and appreciate the work we put into shaping our bodies, there are those who are quite the opposite.  I have never been teased about my weight yet, but I can feel the stares sometimes of all my skinny friends.  My best friend and I are the only ones who really have a right to joke about each other.  Between me and him that would include dramatic changes in weight.  After high school he got really thin and taller, I stayed the same hight and became much much fatter.  I'm sure he's noticed that.  But we never say anything to each other.  I look at my skinny best friend and how great he looks coupled with the new hair cut he's been sporting lately.  I have become quite jealous of him.  

Being fat has made a lot of things awkward.  I will never dance on stage again without an extra hundred and thirty pounds wobbling around like waves in the ocean.  I don't exactly fit well into the seats at the theater.  My sides are pressed into each other causing a small bubble of fat to protrude further out in front of me peeking slightly from under my shirt.  Usually it takes a while until my lower belly starts feeling chilled.  Clothes aren't fitting right of course.  It's hard to be taken seriously at a job interview (at least it is for me.)  especially when I'm turning in applications at the bakery.  Always a fantasy of mine to work at a bakery and fatten myself with the gorging of many delectable wedding cakes and drums of frosting.  

So every thing is explained.  50% of gaining is embarrassing and the other 50% is just hot.  I feel like I want to loose all this weight some times just to look as handsome as my friends.  Who knows?  I may just do that after college.

Dream.

So last night I woke up from the strangest dream that I ever had.  It was scary vivid and at times just plain scary.  I never wake up from scary dreams in a cold sweat screaming my head off.  This dream was no different.  The reason why I'm bothering to mention it is because a portion of it was a "gainer" dream.  Without further a due, here's my story:

There I was completely on my own.  I didn't come with a friend.  I was at some sort of spa where there were long underground hallways connecting various rooms together built for steam, showering, massage, candles for aroma therapy, etc.  The main hall curved.  It veered one way, then another.  It was very long.  Finally and without even reaching the very end, I arrived at the bathroom.  There were stalls with doors painted the calm cool color of fresh cement.  The walls were covered in white tiles.  Beautiful porcelain sinks with silver knobs standing on the opposite side of the elliptically shaped room.  This bathroom was indeed nothing like I'd ever seen.  I don't know how long I must have stood there, but before long a very large man stepped into the room He was very fat with a large belly and a burly chest.  He had a very very round face made possible my the solid roll under his chin.  He was very bronzed and smooth with short blonde hair and the lightest shade of blue in his eyes.  He asked me how I was feeling today as though he knew me.  I played along and said 'I'm great today, how 'bout you?'  He smiled at me and the crease of his jawline became deliciously defined.  Such dimples!  He said there wasn't much going on out there, just a bunch of the same old brood who come every year just to be lazy and make fun of the occasional new guy.  I was suddenly worried.  I was the new guy apparently.  I could sense that.  I was also the odd one out, me being less chunky than every one there.  Suddenly it seemed like the stranger recognized that I wasn't 'one of them'.  He apologized for the misunderstanding and introduced himself as Rex.  He asked me how I was enjoying the spa and even pointed out the obvious physical traits of the common attendees.  There was no denying as I looked down at my average belly.  He padded it for some reason and smiled at me again with eagerness.  He said he knew for sure that I was the new guy based on the short lived wobble of my masses.  Then after a few minutes of becoming acquainted a voice was heard getting closer and closer to the bathroom.  Without warning, Rex had grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me into the nearest stall.  He stood outside it.  Making sure that no one even knocked.  And there were definitely two other guys entering the bathroom, but of course they came there for a reason and entered the next two stalls.  While they chatted I heard Rex whisper clearly to me, "How are you feeling in there?"  "Not bad", I replied.  Suddenly i felt a very warm sensation in the dead center of my forehead and from random spots on my body.  The toasty feeling seemed to have accompanied a temporary red glow (like holding a flashlight under my fingers) and then the rumbling started.  It made me quake and shake from the inside with a terribly ticklish gurgle.  "What's going on it there?" asked Rex "I can feel it out here."  The next thing that happened was like in slow motion.  I suddenly began to grow.  My belly was blowing up to an incredible size.  My legs, my arms, my hands and feet were getting more blubbery and "puffed" just like pastry.  I groped the sides of my girth and felt the swell of my chest.  My face was also changing.  My cheeks forced my lips together and my whole head tilted up because the roll of fat under my chin made in even harder to look down.  The slabs of fat draped over my back made me look like a water bed all of this added to the bulges that encompassed my head like it was the button of a seat cushion.  And while I concentrated on the rest of me my belly was still growing more voluminous.  I felt my love handles spreading out relentlessly and pushing the door out.  Little by little the metal of the door popped and dented into a convex form, pushing Rex forward.  He tried his hardest to open the latch of the door, but even with his burly arms he did not have the strength.  I stopped.... I was done growing.  There was silence.  "What's happenin' out there, Rex?  Sounds like the Titanic's going down."  Then the door POPPED!  Rex was shoved nearly into the sink.  The two strangers rushed out.  Their robes nearly coming undone.  I struggled to maneuver my considerable bulk out the narrow stall.  The whole process looked like biscut dough breaking free from the tube.  I made it.  Rex stood there, holding the towel covering his wide lap tightly.  The two men stood in awe with mouths agape fading slowly into grins.  I was embarrassed at first until each of them escorted/shoved me out the door and I was greeted by the hoots and hollers of the other bathroom attendees.  There was no telling how I came to be that way so quickly, but I'm sure it was something about where I was.  Rex certainly agreed.  He said he thought it did wonders for him when he first arrived patting his own immense belly but that was until he saw the effect the spa had on me.    

The End.