'A-round' Town.

I'm back.

I was noticing that other bloggs haven't been updated very often so I decided I'd give some readers a new post to look at.

I have been through a very interesting and some would say depressing year. There's just too much to talk about in this post, but I'm sure I'll find a way. You know how long they can be. So I guess the only issue is where to begin. When I last left off, there was talk of me losing all the weight and dropping to a svlet size suitable for a snazzy suit at work. Don't worry, that never got off the ground. I'm still quite fat. Maybe a few pounds thinner but I still basically have the gut and thighs I did before. Really it's only a 6 pound difference.

This morning I weighed myself at 297lbs and didn't feel to upset about seeing it. At one point a month or two months ago, I swear I was bound to hit 310lbs soon, but then the money well ran out. I've been saving more and as a result, it meant letting a couple pounds slip away from me. Partially I was hoping on getting some help through a local encourager. He's been chatting with me a couple times lately offering to help pay for some big meals and in return he just wants to be there to see me grow and maybe the occasional belly rub. Lately he hasn't been answering my messages, so I think that might be over with, but if he offers again someday I still wouldn't mind meeting him.

I've been off and on with a very very very special guy who is an encourager from CA. Even though we agreed to keep our relationship open until we actually meet someday, he's managed to find more guys than I've ever met in my life. But I had something of an actual date recently that didn't go very long. lol And he managed to place his hand on my leg a couple times reasuringly, though I'm pretty sure it wasn't an invitation to mess around. But I still love this guy, and a part of me always will.

I may update this post later.

Blubber Blogger.

Thank you once again, my valued readers, for subscribing to this blog. You have no idea how appreciative I am for having the occasional comment and I hope to continue hearing from you all. According to the Feed Tracker located on the right side of the home page, I get quite a lot of visits from different parts of the globe. At the very bottom is a 'web hit' counter that tells me how many people visit while I'm away. The only trouble with that is every time I visit my own to edit and then return to my home page it will count how many times I've been there (thus throwing everything off). Not sure how many of those visits were mine, but thankfully I've noticed that 200 or so have come and gone since my last posting. So thank you for stopping in to read.

I understand that to those of you who came across my blog might find it a little strange. What is this guy doing posting stuff about getting fatter, eating like a pig, and gloating about each pound as though it meant another $1000 in his bank account. (I'm not getting paid to write nor to eat, although.....I certainly wouldn't mind.) Eating the way I do or any of us gainers do is very expensive. But there are times when we substitute a simple reward such as a new DVD or a sweet new Wii game after a hard days work for an ample, sumptuous feast at your favorite restaurant. The benefit of which you can carry with you wherever you go. You only need to look down at yourself and physically see all that tasty grub you've been putting away for weeks/months/years. Why do I feel so proud of it? Because it's probably one of the few goals I've accomplished thus far in my life. Maybe that's not such a great way of putting it, but I do have other probably more realistic goals and long way to go to achieve them.

If you still don't understand, I apologize, I'm not the best at explaining this kind of thing. But I'm sure it's time that I made an attempt.

Why change anything? Why get those implants or pump that iron? Why starve yourself into that dress or cut out a certain favorite soft drink so your teeth wont stain? And lastly, why do you need a couple extra pounds? It's all for yourself. Obviously, there are those who do it to land a man or woman. There are men who go crazy for large breasts, and other men that appeal to another prominent piece of anatomy in his own sex. There are guys who go for larger women and there are those who go for larger men, HALLELUJAH! So there's hope for me yet.

I have been reading a very fascinating blog called GAINING PERSPECTIVE that seems to really put into better word the whole truth on what it means to be a gainer. I've actually come to feel more comfortable about my kink because of the blog's creator SFBaydude02. Thank you.

Does all this mean I'm ready to come out about this to everyone I meet? No. The nature of being a gainer is that we tend to want the more exclusive lifestyle, or at least I do. Most of us don't care if we end up cut from the general populous for a while, chilling in a small apartment with the man who will exacerbate our fat fetish until we're properly plumped. We tend to enjoy being on the town with our encouragers, secretly showing off what a fine job he's done with us on our way to the buffet. In front of perfect strangers, this is gainer heaven. But there's another side to what this lifestyle means for us. Some have the immense courage to grow with friends and family nearby and most of us have no choice. They take one look at us, realize the changes we're going through, and most of the time they worry about our health. This can put a damper on our gains. How can some of us not feel just a little bit guilty as a result of this? We don't want to disappoint those dearest to us, and thus we are left with an internal struggle. I need to please those around me by bending to their will and not my own but I really want the body I have now. That's way a lot of gainers tend to lose and gain off and on because they would prefer not to have the general conflict of it all.

I have experienced most of what I've mentioned above. I currently stand proud of the body I'd always dreamed about having, but the family has great expectations about me loosing the weight to make them feel more at ease. Every time I've been feeling ill somehow they link the whole thing to my obesity. But I feel that it's 100% manageable at this stage. And who knows what I'm capable of obtaining with the help of an encourager. All one needs to do, is accept that things are happening for the best whether it be slimming down for a while or growing to massive proportions. It's all about making yourself happy.

I hope that this made some sense to you. I have trouble with rambling.

Crushed.

Need I say more? Mr. Right, where are you?

The Diet Died.

Many a week ago, I thought I'd try the diet thing again but today I sit upon my wide butt reporting that nothing has changed. In fact I may be larger now. That sort of thing happens when one decides to cut back on eating.

It's weird how my cravings have changed. I was always sort of picky with my dinner selections at my favorite restaurant and would often leave out a certain vegetable or opt not to get the salad/soup. Lately I've been chowing down on the whole thing, every scrap. Sure some of you might say that the lettuce or other healthy green is just filler and makes you feel too full before consuming every scrumptious calorie, but nothing seems to fill me now.

Also, the acid troubles seem to be prevailing. I was tossing and turning in bed most of last night after a large dinner followed by a large dessert. Ever have acid so bad you get this burning at the top of your skull? Basically that's what happened to me. But on a lighter note I soon found myself hungering for a midnight snack, so I guess even when struck by illness my appetite perseveres. I've gained 5lbs since my last post, putting me at 305lbs overall. On a massively full stomach I would weigh nearly 307 which was close to the heaviest I'd ever been. Part of me wants nothing more than to see that grand number on the scale again, but I feel torn. After all I did want to go on this diet for a reason. Maybe I'm not fated to be thinner. I've bred my body to resist skinniness of any degree after the years of eating and eating resisting the crippling fullness.

Short post, yes. But I'm off to get some pizza.

300lbs.

Yes, it's true. After a couple months back home from Florida, and losing weight during that time, I've bounced back. I've regained it all and sit here now a nice round 300lbs. Not much else to say about that really. At first I would pretend that it wasn't intentional and that this whole thing was a pleasant coincidence. But after all the binge eating and trips to the drive-through I realize how intentional it was. I remember the day when I decided I might gain it back, and going back and forth from that to the present, I'm really liking the difference. However, I'm here to bring you readers some possibly dissapointing news. I have officially decided to lose the weight for now. I just recently found out that may actually get my dream job. Any one might say that they'd do anything to hook their dream job or do anything to fulfill their dreams. That's the case here. Details aside, I mostly would like to look good in the uniform. lol. I know it's a pretty vain reason, but still, you're only young once and I would like to try all of my options out before they litterally dissolve before my eyes.

Youth is fading. I can see tell tale signs that I'm getting older, even at my young age. By losing a few pounds I can recapture some of it. I want to feel revitalized and able to do absolutely anything, and let's face it there's a lot of limitations that come with growing as big as we gainers do. Don't judge me harshly by my decision. There's a path that we can shape ourselves and a path that won't alow us to turn around. I feel like I'm on the right path with this and I can do anything while I'm on it. I'll still be writing and posting some pics along the way (mostly side by side comparison stuff.) I don't want you all to think that I've completely changed my mind about the whole idea of gaining. I think you can shape your body however you like it. Bodybuilders, models, actors, etc. altar their appearaces all the time and often take it to an unhealthy degree. I would only like to shed a bit to make me light enough to dance and look svelt in my snazzy uniform. This again is only temporary. I will be a blimp one day, of that I'm sure.

Worth the Weight.

Hello again. Today is the day after Easter and now there is only a handful of holidays to serve me until the BBQs and birthday cake of July 4th. My birthday is actually the day before, but I digress. I would like to say that though I never seem to post regularly I assure you (the reader/whoever you are) that I likely will never abandon my blog. I have recently taken on a job at a craft store and earn a meager minimum wage check which is almost enough to support my newly developed eating habits and other pleasant hobbies. There is not a day where I don't think about my newest projects. As an artist, especially one working at a craft store as of late, I find several different things lining the shelves I could use in a new painting, sculpture, accessory, etc. Since I'm trying to save up for a trip to Florida this fall I will find it painfully difficult without selling some of my things. My precious things. What I own, I love because I care about what I have worked hard to obtain.

I'm here to announce today that I have gained at least 20 of the lost 40-50lbs and it looks like things have finally 'stuck' to me. The weight that fluctuated so much seems to have settled with more bulk leaving a nice shelf (a 'save point' if you will) to put more on with ease. I had such mixed feelings before about how I felt with my body becoming familiar again. I was faaar more comfortable with the way I looked 'face wise' as a thinner guy than I do now. For some reason I can't get over the issue of face fat. I apologize. I'm so vein.

So what have I been doing about my weight nowadays? I've been wearing it proudly. The same shift of the good ol' dome sitting squarely over my belt appeals to me greatly as it did before it seemed I lost if for good. In fact I think that every thing torso-wise has puffed out a great deal more than I was even at my heaviest. My legs are taking a bit longer to 'bounce' back considering I use them for work and have developed a lot of good tone working for Disney. I am about to pop the 300lb cherry again which should appeal to you. I have neutral feelings about this. Only because I'm working early on my Halloween costume would I really like not to out grow it before October. Even if it would fit my character well, I still would rather save it for later. There are sooo many people I spoke with on GG and BC and BF who tell me to keep going and going and going. Yes, I want to but at my own pace, slow and soft. It would be incredible waking up with Mr. Right to morning belly rubs and other kinds of rubs for the both of us.

I can't stop eating.

I eat and eat daily the most bizarre combinations of foods I've heard of. Basically it's been anything I can get my fat mitts on around the house. Something else to confess, as a result of my diet I'm also frequenting a certain personal practice. What's wrong with me? My friends from Florida won't ever recognize me again. They don't really know me as the roly-poly I'm turning into and I don't want things to be awkward around them, but it likely will. Why can't I just make up my mind about the world I would rather be in? While I ponder I guess I'll just have to get used to being bigger. And maybe in time my mind will mellow out. I wish I could explain to my friends about this but I won't burden them with the discomforting images past, present, and future. I guess contact with someone like me is more of something I need for now. I just hope that they won't shut me away or think that I've shut them away either.

Please comment. Let me know you're there.

Big Fat Heartache.

Greetings to those of you just starting to read my blog. In the predictable fashion I've been appearing rather infrequently to update. Thus far, my new year's resolution has yet to be accomplished (to update more frequently). Considering that there are those in the gainer blog community who find themselves busier than the average bear, I seem to be keeping up rather nicely by comparison. I don't intend to post a daily revue of my boring existence without a job or much of a social life, I care too much for my readers to put you through, "today.....nothing.....happened.....". As I sit here today, the bright sun is illuminating the fresh snow on the ground. Light is cascading through the windows so brightly that even with shutters most of it just can't be blocked out. I may need to fetch a pair of sunglasses. Apparently folks with blue eyes are more sensitive to the light, and I am one of those people. I wonder if other blue eyes out there feel the same too.

New developments? I'm still searching for a job, but I feel that I am getting close. I've tried a few of my favorite spots where I would be amply comfortable enough to show up day after day. But alas, they have all 'recently filled their remaining positions'. It really makes me mad that they don't just say 'we are currently not accepting applicants'. Instead they make me feel like I've just missed my golden opportunity (dashing my hopes) and if I had gone in the day before, things might've turned out differently. Come Halloween, I know of one place that cannot possibly refuse my application based on the exceptional service I put forth. I pushed myself so hard to achieve repeat business, trying to impress the customers and my managers. And when I was almost officially given a solid year-round position, I received a notice of termination. Got laid off. Thanks to these hard times we're living in, I've been forced from job to job because they couldn't afford to keep me. My hope is to find a job where my art skills can be applied in everyday tasks.

Aside from the trouble of job hunting, I am experiencing a fluctuation in my weight. When I returned home I weighed 270lbs. with a stomach measuring 53" around. I had surprisingly retained quite a bit after working my last job. A total of 40lbs. was lost and I could definitely see the difference. But since I've been back home, I made another attempt to regain my losses and ate around like no tomorrow. I had received some words of confidence from several online encouragers and fellow gainers/maintainers and it seemed like all was going well. With the help of my new scale I was able to track the progress of my weight gain to end up seeing results that were too good to be true. In about two weeks of binge eating I'd managed to gain 20lbs and almost 3 1/2 inches on my waist. I would surely see 300lbs again in no time. But unfortunately, I dropped ten in a couple days following the weigh-in. So now I sit at 280lbs. As my body experienced this interesting transformation, I immediately shared it with one special encourager/gainer whom I thought would only grow closer to me. We haven't been able to chat for a while (as we had often been doing). I recently sent him a message apologizing for my absence and told him that I was working very hard to achieve our desired goal and to respond if we were still buddies.... still no answer. I believe it's over before a fruitful fattening venture could began with this guy. That is why I'm experiencing a big fat heartache today. Would love to hear from you all out there reading this. It feels like a lot of eyes are on me right now (just a good feeling, nothing I'm paranoid about). Any comments you may have in any way you choose to post them, please send me something to know you're here. Say whatever you like. I can't wait to hear from you.