Big Fat Heartache.

Greetings to those of you just starting to read my blog. In the predictable fashion I've been appearing rather infrequently to update. Thus far, my new year's resolution has yet to be accomplished (to update more frequently). Considering that there are those in the gainer blog community who find themselves busier than the average bear, I seem to be keeping up rather nicely by comparison. I don't intend to post a daily revue of my boring existence without a job or much of a social life, I care too much for my readers to put you through, "today.....nothing.....happened.....". As I sit here today, the bright sun is illuminating the fresh snow on the ground. Light is cascading through the windows so brightly that even with shutters most of it just can't be blocked out. I may need to fetch a pair of sunglasses. Apparently folks with blue eyes are more sensitive to the light, and I am one of those people. I wonder if other blue eyes out there feel the same too.

New developments? I'm still searching for a job, but I feel that I am getting close. I've tried a few of my favorite spots where I would be amply comfortable enough to show up day after day. But alas, they have all 'recently filled their remaining positions'. It really makes me mad that they don't just say 'we are currently not accepting applicants'. Instead they make me feel like I've just missed my golden opportunity (dashing my hopes) and if I had gone in the day before, things might've turned out differently. Come Halloween, I know of one place that cannot possibly refuse my application based on the exceptional service I put forth. I pushed myself so hard to achieve repeat business, trying to impress the customers and my managers. And when I was almost officially given a solid year-round position, I received a notice of termination. Got laid off. Thanks to these hard times we're living in, I've been forced from job to job because they couldn't afford to keep me. My hope is to find a job where my art skills can be applied in everyday tasks.

Aside from the trouble of job hunting, I am experiencing a fluctuation in my weight. When I returned home I weighed 270lbs. with a stomach measuring 53" around. I had surprisingly retained quite a bit after working my last job. A total of 40lbs. was lost and I could definitely see the difference. But since I've been back home, I made another attempt to regain my losses and ate around like no tomorrow. I had received some words of confidence from several online encouragers and fellow gainers/maintainers and it seemed like all was going well. With the help of my new scale I was able to track the progress of my weight gain to end up seeing results that were too good to be true. In about two weeks of binge eating I'd managed to gain 20lbs and almost 3 1/2 inches on my waist. I would surely see 300lbs again in no time. But unfortunately, I dropped ten in a couple days following the weigh-in. So now I sit at 280lbs. As my body experienced this interesting transformation, I immediately shared it with one special encourager/gainer whom I thought would only grow closer to me. We haven't been able to chat for a while (as we had often been doing). I recently sent him a message apologizing for my absence and told him that I was working very hard to achieve our desired goal and to respond if we were still buddies.... still no answer. I believe it's over before a fruitful fattening venture could began with this guy. That is why I'm experiencing a big fat heartache today. Would love to hear from you all out there reading this. It feels like a lot of eyes are on me right now (just a good feeling, nothing I'm paranoid about). Any comments you may have in any way you choose to post them, please send me something to know you're here. Say whatever you like. I can't wait to hear from you.

Eat Up, Chow Down.

Greetings reader friends of the gaining community. It feels like I'm introducing myself all over again. It's been over a month I'll admit but I seriously have been busy with work, which is finally over in two days! I'm so excited. I'm so ready to be eating normal food and hit all the favorite drive throughs etc. Even as I type I feel starved. I'm sitting on my bed right now lying on my side shirtless in my boxers, with "Law & Order" playing a bit loudy on the t.v. Roommate in the living room talking with his girlfriend. The door has a lock so I feel like my room is completely my own and I can do what I please in total privacy. Had a terrible roommate living in the same room with me but he moved out. (Long exhausting story.) As I'm lying on my side I'm looking down at my body and I'm seeing a big deflaited midsection. When I used to lie on my back a few months ago I would look down over my chest to see a bobbling bowing fleshy belly lightly garnished with thin strands of dark hair. Then I liked to sit up and view the impressive span of my thighs and love handles as I fondled the expance of tissue around my middle. Then the probing of the navel, the shaking, the glooping would begin (good times). I was really into my body. Not a day went by where I wasn't entertained by the all the weight I had gained.

Now I must dispense some bad news. Well not bad but sort of disappointing. That scale I've been checking every day for months has a surpising read lately. It says 279....I couldn't believe it. Nearly 40 pounds lost. My body has become a bit leaner (especially my legs) since I've been here working in Florida. I no longer feel like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Remembering how I was before, a blooming 320lb. fattie now slowly losing what I've accomplished, it all seems like a pleasant dream. I'm trying to remember how much my gut filled my hands as I played with my fat. I struggle to recall how heavy and full my 'rack' was. My swollen hands, my chubby cheeks, everything feels like a very distant memory. I know it seems like I'm making a big deal about this. Trust me, that last 40 pounds was so difficult and took so long to gain but the results were amazingly and hugely noticable. All of it went directly my girth. I do remember applying the measuring tape to my swolen gut every morning and night to see inch after inch creep up on me. Never had a scale but the size was gratifying enough. Gosh it was blissfully hefty. The bobble under my shirt was euphoric as I waddled to the kitchen for a late night stuffing, especially the midnight drive to Mc D's with every bump on the road sending shock waves up my body. This is where I would pause and take a 'moment' to myself but I'll wrap it up for you first.

Aside from the fact that I've been eating some pretty fattening foods during my stay I still managed to lose nearly 45 pounds. I believe the culprit could be the increase in exercise and the lack of 3-8 square meals a day. *Duh* I realize that. But apparently like so many people have told me. The weight likes to pile back on when you fall into your normal routine and it especially likes to show up with 'company'. We shall see. If I can gain in all back in a short amount of time, I will definitely document all I can. Pictures, more blog posts, and even vids. Who knows? I don't think I'd be apposed to making personal appearances. lol. Just kidding, but I'm sure the guy for me is out there. No, haven't found him yet. Met a fellow gainer recently but I did a lot of talking so I think I scared him off. He was a cutie though, loved the deep voice. He was tall, had wavy hair and a little beard (cute), very broad shoulders, puppy eyes, and 'from what I could tell under his baggy clothes' a very large belly (how I would've loved to explore it). What a dummy I am. But it was our first time out and I didn't want things going too fast. We went to a local spot and both ordered the biggest friggin' thing we could find on the menu and talked about gaining, etc. It was beyond hot but I didn't want to admit anything. We text occasionally now. I rarely get a response, but part of me really hopes that I get to see him again. That is the culmination of my interesting experience newly independant and away from home. More to follow.

Off to lunch....a lot of lunch.

Dream Big.

Well, it has been a long time since I've updated my blog. I can't believe how busy I've been these past few months. The change in seasons is very slow, but I can feel it getting much cooler outside which is good. I'm not a big fan of the heat. Disney has been an everchanging experience. Each work day actually continues to keep me somewhat entertained. We all grow a bit tired of routine, but thankfully I haven't felt that to a strong degree. My roommate has been decorating his side of the apartment for christmas after taking down his Halloween stuff. Oh! Halloween was a blast. Partied at the haunted mansion, ate plenty of good food, and capped it off with some drinks at the bar with my good friends. I feel blessed to have these wonderful people to talk to. Apart from the sweeter things there are also the sour. When I'm not working, I am very much alone. My roommates don't really pay much attention to anyone but themselves, and I'm okay with that to a degree. It means I can have more privacy.

I bought a scale a few weeks ago and I've been keeping track of my weight. (Yes I'm sure you were anxious to hear som news about that). Well the last time I weighed my self I was 291, a full 20lbs lighter than when I started this internship. Am I saddened by my smaller than usual size? No. But I'm not happy either. I continue to watch other gainers progressing and threatening to pass me by on the scales. I have a hint of jealousy. But I look at them as inspiration. Wanna give a shoutout to Stuffmebloated for all his accomplishments. Glad to see he's doing well.

Off to lunch.

Update (Part 4).

295 lbs. That's what I weighed on an empty stomach. So I believe that damage was a bit worse than I thought. Apparently I lost 17 close to 20lbs. Wow, not bad for 2 months.

Gaining lost weight is infamous for being almost too easy. Everyday I read weight gaining blogs and fantasize about the size I will be after this program is over. Will I end up weighing much more than where I started or the same? Have to go for now. ttyl.

Update (Part 3).

What's up y'all? Okay so here's the news. Not sure if it's happy or sad just yet. I've been working at my new job for two whole months and things are going great. I have a new place in which I feel very at home. The people I room with don't get all up in my business which is something I absolutely love. Overall I can say that the beginning of my six month program has started out quite well.

Here's where things might get a bit sad. My new job demands climbing stairs atleast 5+ times a day and there's always some walking and/or running involves so..... I think I lost some weight. I've definitely lost some 'mass in the ass', my legs have gotten stronger (maybe more muscular), my gut deflated some along with the chest but everything else is still 100% the same. My face, my neck, my fat hands and arms are still soft as ever. I don't have a scale *next item on my shopping list* so I don't know exactly what the damage is.

When I first left home before flying off to Orlando I weighed in officially at 311lbs after doing a check up at the doctor. Not bad. I had a feeling that I was closer to 320, but like I said I am without a proper scale. I wouldn't doubt that with all the extra exertion coupled with the fact that I've cut out soda completely could mean I may once again be in the 200's neighborhood.

Who knows? Getting trim might mean reliving the fun of gaining but this time having a partner to experience it with. I'll try to stay posted.

Update (Part 2).

"Okay, so here's the 'skinny' on my fat."

Where do I start?  Yes, my fat friends, I am still one of you.  To say that I'm merely "bigger" would be a personal understatement.  I feel fat.  For the first time I truly feel like I have the body I've been eating for.  When I'm hanging out with a friend, there always seems to be an elephant in the room (and it's hiding under my tightened shirt).  *sigh*  Naturally my weight has gone up, but I wouldn't know exactly how much.  I don't have a proper scale to observe my progress.  The only indication I have is that 300 is the scale's limit.  I only have a tape measure that reaches up to 60" long.  I've climbed my way from 47" to 57" and now the tape must be fully stretched out to find my current number.  Just a few more inches and my belly will have a 5 foot circumference.  

As far as experiences go, I had my run-ins with a few comments and staring.  Naturally, some belly bumps (moments when a person tries to push through a crowded space and accidentally shoves into one's belly, enough to make it bobble and shake.)  My stomach has bombarded with a fellow employee's elbow once, with the belly of another fellow employee, and the belly of our dairy delivery man)  "Whoops!", he said.  "Gotta watch out for the belly.  I keep forgetting I'm fat."  It would've been what some would call a 'hot moment', but he's so much older than I am.  Not really what I'm into.  Then there are more occasions when I go to a favorite restaurant or movie theater and my wideness can't cope with the capacity of my seat.  This is coupled with the creaking of the chair with every movement I make, even when I extent my chubby arm to grab a sip of Dr. Pepper.  

Since I work in the kitchen of a convenience store I get to prepare some truckers' favorites and pizza after pizza after pizza.  Oh the pizza.  I've had my share, but not my fill of it.  I've downed more pizza in the past two months than in a typical year of my life.  You'd think I'd be much bigger by now, but things are moving slower since I eased of the aggressive gaining.  I've been paying less attention to my size because what happens after a few weeks of unconscious eating is a more surprising transformation.  That's what happened to me two days ago when I walked into the bathroom to see in the mirror a hint of blubber visible from under my 3x shirt.  I had just eaten a big breakfast and was full to the limit.  I filled out every space of my night shirt with grumbling fatty softness.  I lifted up the shirt to find how big around it was and I proceeded to touch it and rub it vigorously.  I was able to lift giant handfulls on either side.  I dropped my fatty stomach and heard the thud as it slapped against my hip and thighs, the very act of which caused it to churn for a good two seconds.

No telling where I'll be by January of next year, with my budget tightening up almost as much as my pants.  We'll see.  

Off to lunch.  

Update.

Well, I can certainly say that this past month has been an interesting one.  In my last entry I mentioned that I may be moving to Orlando to work at Disney World.  Well, that 'may be' has turned into a 'definitely'.  I already booked my flight and I'm looking for a place to stay as I will be arriving a day early to be sure I get to check-in at the apartments on time.  While there, I'll be working in attractions, which means any of the rides and events they provide in the magic kingdom.  I have a free pass to the park when I'm not working which should make for the best day off of my life!  Plus I believe I get discounts from Universal Studios and Epcot (But when I worked at our local theme park here in Iowa, I never visited on my down time.  Actually I worked open to close every day for months.  There was really 'no' time.), etc. etc. blah, blah, blah.  You readers don't want to be bored, do you?  Anyway, officially I will be living in on Disney property June 15th.  I'll try to document everything I can over the next six months of my internship, though I hardly think I'll get to see all of Orlando even in that amount of time.  Most of all I'd like to see the ocean.  Never have although I did spend a week in Washington D.C. and we were a mere hour from the coast.  

So every day since I signed up and eagerly awaited the invitation I have been seeing nothing but Disney adds on T.V. , the radio, movies, etc.  I never really bothered paying attention because sometimes there was a promise of a "free 'family of four' trip to Disney World" and I sulked because that was an impossibility.  There was no money we could spend that would not put on in permanent debt.  I've since then worked very hard and saved up plenty of money.  My first experience at one of the happiest places on earth will be from the other side (not as a vacationer, but an employee).  

More to follow.